periclete

Don't let the sun go down on your anger

1.  We will always get it worked out before we go to bed at night so that we won’t be simply ignoring the problem hoping it just goes away.

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”  Eph 4:26

            Often couples struggle with coming to any solutions in discussions because they can never stick to one issue.  Over the years they didn’t really solve certain issues.  They just gave up communicating and eventually it seemed that things got better.  But when a new issue came up, the heat of the moment reminded them of the unsolved issue and now they have two unresolved issues.  This new issue is “swept under the carpet” only to surface again during the next argument.  After 5, 10, or 15 years there might be 50 different issues under the surface.  They are both frustrated because when they have a difficult topic that needs to be discussed, they cannot seem to talk about that one issue, but years of other issues come up.  They hop from one topic to another until they are both angry and then it seems that the only solution is to “give each other space” until they calm down.  Again nothing is really resolved, but one more issue is unresolved and unforgiven.  It is just added to the mix and will rear its ugly head next week or next year.

The solution is to make sure that every issue is dealt with and not just buried.  It may take time and energy but it is worth it. 
            May I say, that there are times that a couple that is tired will just talk and talk and make it worse.  They might be better to just agree that they know there is something to talk about in the future and that the best thing they can do is just get a good night sleep.  They are not angry or bitter, but there is a lot more to talk about.  They can then set a date for a later time to talk about it and come up with a workable solution.  By setting a date they can make sure that it is worked through and not just buried.

            There are also some that get so angry that they may say something that is very hurtful.  If there is that much anger, it might be helpful to take a short break and come back when they can talk more rationally.  They can both go and pray and ask God to give them each clarity, calmness, understanding, and compassion.  Often after a break, if they go and pray, they will each have a different perspective on the problem and will usually be better a hearing what the other is saying. 

            About 15 years ago Deb and I were talking about something that has long since been forgotten.  I guess that I wasn’t “getting it”, so Deb was getting angry.  I was still very calm and of course very “spiritual”.  As she was trying to explain things, I began to get angry.  After it seemed that we were getting no where, I suggested a break so I could take a bit of time in prayer to calm down.  I went out on the porch to pray for Deb!!! (Instead of myself of course because I knew that I was right).

            After about 10 minutes of prayer for Deb, thought came into my mind that I should be praying for myself instead of Deb.

           “Me, Lord?  How can that be?”, I prayed. “It is pretty obvious that she is the problem.”

            The image that came to my mind was that of God “flicking” me in the back of head with a finger telling ME (Imagine that!) to apologize to HER because I was wrong.

That few moments of prayer gave me God’s perspective and of course changed the conversation completely.  Another topic for another newsletter is how Christ holds a marriage together.

            But the principle of keeping short accounts helps so much in marriage.  If a couple can talk about very important and personal issues and feel that they are really heard and understood in the context of a loving, committed marriage, it builds love.  If the relationship consists of arguments that seem to get no where, the feelings of love will begin to wane.  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.   Talk through the issues of life that every marriage will face and you lay a foundation for a wonderful relationship.

Dennis

Ground Rules

Ground Rules for Communication

So here is our list of "ground rules" that we put together before we got married.  So here is our list from 1975.  I will elaborate on each item in other posts

1.  We will always get it worked out before we go to bed at night so that we won’t be simply ignoring the problem hoping it just goes away.

“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” Eph 4:26

2.  Once a matter is resolved and forgiven, I will never use it again as “ammunition”.

“And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against any one; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you”  Col 3:12-13

3.  I will not stomp out of the room in anger

“An angry man stirs up strife

And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.”  Prov. 29:22

4.  I will try to avoid using the exaggerations;  “always” and “never”.

5.  I will try to use “I statements”  instead of “you statements”

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.”  Eph. 4:29

6.  I will not call you names.

“With it (the tongue) we bless our Lord and Father; and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these ought not be this way.  James 3:9,10

7.  I will talk to resolve the problem instead of attack the person.

“Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous;  love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes al things, hopes all things endures all things.  I Cor. 13:3-7

8.  I will not talk in a negative way about you to someone else. 

“But now you also, put them all aside; anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”  Col.3:8

9.  I will never use physical violence.

“The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”  James 1:20

10.  I will not use “hurt buttons”.  (Those things that can be said just to hurt the other)

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you”   Eph 4:32

11.  I will not allow bitterness to fester in my mind.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor, and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”  Eph 4:31

12.  I will never intentionally degrade or embarrass you in public.  I will not argue in public.

“So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.”  Rom.14:19

13.  I will not wait for you to be the first to apologize and seek forgiveness.  I will not wait for you to show love first.  I will not wait for you to be lovable. 

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself;  do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”  Phil 2:2-3

14.  I will not entertain the thoughts of leaving or divorce because it isn’t an option. 

15.  I will watch my volume and the tone of my voice.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Prov 15:1

16.  When you are talking I will listen to seek what you are saying so that I may understand you. 

“This you know, my beloved brethren.  But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”  James 1:19

17.  I will continue to learn how to be the person and spouse I should be as long as I am alive.  I will always be a growing Christian.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus”  Phil 1:6

18.  I will look for the good in you instead of focusing my thought on anything bad.

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things”.

19.  I will try to meet your needs instead of looking to how my needs are met. 

“do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”  Phil 2:4

“For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake shall find it.”  Matt 16:25

20.  We will discuss one issue at a time.  If one of us brings up an issue the has to bring up their issue at another time. 

Groundrules for a healthy Marriage

What makes for a solid marriage?

            Over the years we have all grieved over all the marriages that we have seen break up.  Some of the marriages have even been church families.  Ral and I spend a fair amount of our time helping couples who are struggling. I sometimes feel that we have set up a hospital at the bottom of the cliff instead of a stop sign at the top of the cliff. We have encouraged couples to attend the Family Life Marriage Conference to build strong marriages that avoid having to go through counseling.  I have been burdened for some time that so many people get married without having a solid foundation for the marriage and when the pressures of life come upon the marriage, their relationship begins to disintegrate. 

            Over the next months I will have a series of articles to help couples strengthen their marriage.  One of the common threads I find in marriages that are struggling is they have never established their “ground rules”. 

            If Quincy and Portola High Schools were playing foot ball with different rules and there were no referee, there would probably be a fight.  If a couple gets married without establishing their “ground rules”, it is no wonder they are struggling to get along.   

Nearly every man and woman comes into a relationship with a different set of communication “rules”.  We often are influenced in our own marriage by the family we were raised in.  The husband may come from a family that never argues but holds everything in.  The wife may come from a family where there is a lot of arguing, but they get over it quickly.  The husband and wife may have all sorts of problems communicating because they come to the marriage with a different background. 

            This same couple may have a different personality type and because they are of the opposite sex, they are certainly different.  Without a set of ground rules, they are bound to have years of adjustments and some people just give up after a while. 

            The good news is that God who designed marriage, has given us a marriage manual.  We don’t have to rely on trial and error only to find out how to communicate.  We can go to the marriage manual, the Bible, to learn what God says about the topic. 

Next month I will publish what Deb and I typed up 29 years ago that we strive to live by that has proven to contribute to the blessing that Deb has been to me for all these years.

In Christ

Dennis